


Alone Together

by thewatcherscrown



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Burns, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No Dialogue, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-binary A, POV Mello | Mihael Keehl, Religious Guilt, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26312479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewatcherscrown/pseuds/thewatcherscrown
Summary: Mello doesn't believe in love, until one day he does.OrA fic that explores Mello's life from Wammy's house until death.
Relationships: Matt | Mail Jeevas & Mello | Mihael Keehl, Matt | Mail Jeevas/Mello | Mihael Keehl
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Alone Together

You're five years old when Wammy takes you into his orphanage. Your parents are dead and no next of kin wants you. It's your attitude, they say. No one will love you with all that anger in your heart. You hold onto the rosary that your mother had given you, and you pretend that their words don't sting. Love doesn't exist anyway.

You've been given a new name, Mello. You like it quite a bit. It sounds imposing, powerful. You think you'll never utter your true name again.

\--

When you're six years old you become third in line to succeed L. You learned quickly that it's the purpose of this place to train you to take over if he dies. He's 17 and already the world's greatest detective. You haven't met him yet, but you've heard his voice over the computer screen, and thats enough for now.

A and B are much older than you. At 13 and 15 respectively, they're in the top two spots to be L's successor. A's appearance isn't much to comment, they are the most normal looking of all the kids. Shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes, a light tan. You know they could have gotten away with a normal life if not for this house. B is different though. For one he insists on the fact that _Beyond Birthday_ is his real name, and not an alias like you'd been given. You think he's stupid. He is convinced he looks just like L, and he knows because he's seen their elusive mentor. You don't believe him, but his dark hair and darker eye bags make you uneasy.

Sometimes he looks at you like he can see right through you. Sometimes, from the corner of your vision, you swear his eyes look red. His features are sharp, and when he grins it scares you, but you hang out with him anyway. He is much older than you after all, you have a lot to learn. A doesn't like you. They don't like your temper. B stops hanging around A quite as much.

You are six years old when you find A hanging from a tree. B doesn't stay at the house long after that.

You are six years old when you become first in line to succeed L.

You hate it.

\--

When you are 8 a new boy comes to the house. They said his name is Matt. He has an M name like you. You can't tell if you're angry or jealous. 

His company isn't bad though. He follows you around due to you being the only kid his age. He talks to you even when you yell at him. He sits beside you even when you scream and hit your legs and dig your nails into your skin. He is still there when he sees you fall apart. The other kids tell him that you're dangerous, that you're a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. That there were rumors it was you who caused A's death. He sits with you anyway, and he holds your hand while putting your pieces back together

He plays video games with you, learns how to code and then how to hack. By the time you both turn nine he has worked his way up to be by your side, second in line to be L's successor. You know he doesn't want the title, he quite honestly didn't care about the progam in general and you lnew this for a fact for he had made this clear to you on multiple occasions. He just wants to support you, to be by your side. 

\--

You're 11 years old when the rug is pulled out from underneath you.

His name is Near. Hes a year younger than you and only arrived at the orphanage 6 months ago. In those six months he surpasses you and Matt with ease.

It makes you see red.

How dare that ghost take the spot so easily, the spot you did not earn but fought tooth and nail to keep and maybe feel as if you deserved for the past four years. He did not know the pain of that title. He did not know who died because of that title. He did not know the ball and chain that title attaches to you.

He did not deserve A's title.

It takes Matt hours to calm you down even a little. You scream and cry and pull out your hair. You scratch at your arms until you're bleeding all while he holds you and rocks you quietly. When you've calmed enough to be silent he will tell you jokes and try and get you to laugh. He will tell you how amazing you are, and you will talk about what your life will be like when you run away from this place. You don't believe love exists, but being with Matt is just as good.

\--

On your thirteenth birthday you get a private meeting with L. He comes down to the orphanage and Wammy sets up a room away from the others where you two can meet. It'll be the first time you've ever seen him when you lay your eyes on him your breath is gets stuck in your throat. That dark hair and darker circles under his eyes. He looks so familiar and so wrong, like an actor playing the role of someone you once knew. He looks at you and you know he can tell what you're thinking. He asks you to sit down, and asks if you have any questions for him, any stories you want him to tell. You can't help yourself. You ask if he knows what happened to B. There is something sad in his eyes, hidden behind that stoic expression. It takes him a minute, but he tells you. He tells you everything. 

You can't fall asleep that night.

Matt stays in your room and you hold him while he sleeps. You play with his hair as you desperately try to get the image of your old friend killing with his bare hands out of your mind. That night you decide you'll never trust anyone other than Matt again in your life. It'll be just the two of you.

\--

You're fourteen years old when he calls you Mihael for the first time. You've all just been told about L's death. Roger really expects you to work with _Near_ of all people? No. You have to leave. You can't be here anymore, and you have a plan. You tell him you're leaving and he begs to come with you. You tell him no, that its too dangerous, that you wouldn't know what to do if he died. You argue and it's the first big fight you've ever had. When you're walking out the door he calls you by your real name. He says he loves you, and for the first time since you've met him you watch him cry. You hate the way it makes you feel.

You're almost 15 years old and you still believe love doesn't exist. Coming from Matt though it doesn't feel like a lie. Your heart drops into your stomach and you start to feel nauseous. You pray to God that he's lying. That this is some fucked up joke. He must just be desperate to get you to stay. You don't know how to react if it's true. You clutch onto your rosary with one hand. He can't know. You can't feel the same way. _You don't._

You're gone by dawn.

\--

You're 19 years old and you're laying on the ground in the burning remains of the building. You can't move the left side of your body. You think you're dying. There is no one left to save you. With your right arm you manage to pick up your shattered phone, which luckily still works. A sinking pit forms in your stomach at the idea of calling him. Its been so long. Does he hate you? Is he still angry? Will he even care? You don't have any other options so you dial his number. You can't speak, your skin burns, you just hope he can track you down from your phone call.

\--

You wake up some unknown days later. Your left side from your waist up to your face and even some of your leg feel like hot embers pressed against carpet burn. You groan in pain and try to open your eyes, only managing the right one. Quickly you go to feel for your rosary, noting its absence from your neck. You see a figure rush to your side and stand above you. From here you can get a look at his face and you see the boy you left five years ago. His face is sharper now, and he's grown much taller. Under the fluorescent light of the motel room you're in you think he looks ethereal. His brows furrow in worry as he pushes a pair of goggles off his face and into his unruly red hair. You see his mouth moving but it takes a couple of minutes to process the words he's saying. Gently he helps you sit up, the pain caused by your torso bending and flesh pulling feels like you're being skinned alive. He hands you a couple of pills and you don't question where they came from or what they are, you take them. 

A few moments later he is unwrapping all your bandages. He starts with the few on your leg and works his way up to the mass that completely covers most of the left side of your body. In some spots your skin peels and it takes everything in you to not scream in pain. You can't look, you don't want to look, you don't want to know. You keep both eyes shut as he applies medication to your burns and wraps you back up. You have no way of supplying compression, you know the scars will be ugly.

When hes done he holds your hand up to his mouth and takes a shakey breath. He whispers your name like a prayer. He always said he was an atheist, but now you're not so sure when he's on his knees saying your name as if you're the deity he's been waiting his whole life to see. Maybe its bad timing, and maybe it's far to late to go back to when they were kids, but you think he's still the most beautiful thing that you've ever seen. You see your rosary laying on the table, you decide against wearing it for a while.

\--

Almost a week goes by before you look at yourself in the mirror without your bandages. You tell him you want to see, so he begrudgingly allows you to get up and take a look.

It's ugly.

Your skin blisters and peels, its an ugly shade of red and yellow and purple. It's gross and you look like hell. Its the first time you've had both of eyes open, and you notice you can't even see out of your left eye.

You do scream and sob when he tends to your burns this time, but not because of the pain. The tear duct in your left eye doesn't work anymore, you can't even cry right. For the past five years you've relied on your looks, they're the only thing you have that Near doesn't. Your skin is ugly. The scars will be raised and webbed like the muscle fibers beneath them. He will hold you just like he did all those years ago and tell you the same praises he did back then. He will tell you that you are beautiful, he will tell you that you look like an angel. You think he's lying. Angels are supposed to be perfect. He tells you that you are, and you wish he didn't believe the words he says.

\--

You're monitoring Misa Amane when things start to fall into place. Matt sits on the floor watching the live footage and you find yourself sitting sideways across his lap. You're not sure what was going on in your brain to convince you to do that, but you're glad you did. Your head leaning into the crook of his neck as he plays with your hair. Sometimes his hands drift to the scarred skin on your face or your shoulder and you flinch. You bat his hand away and he goes back to your hair. You don't want him to touch your scars, you don't want him to mention them, because if he does that then they're real, and if they're real you're not beautiful. Matt deserved someone beautiful.

That night he will kiss over your body despite your protests. You'll yell and cry and it will feel wrong. Like you're the devil and you're being lavished in kisses by the most beautiful angel. Like searing light being pressed into the darkest parts of you and it burns. He will kiss up the scarred portion of your jaw and tell you that you are perfect. He always says that. You still don't know why. How could someone like you be perfect. He will spend the rest of the night adoring every part of you. You don't know if love exists, but if it does you think this is what it might feel like.

\--

Its the night before you kidnap Takada. He is laying against your good side, and pressing kisses into your neck. You both know tomorrow's mission will be dangerous, you might not come back in one piece, so you let yourself be demanding.

Matt has always been easygoing. Nothing about you has ever been easy. Matt has always kept his cool and would joke his way out of any sticky situation. You have never been able to keep your mood in check, swinging violently between emotions. You have always been demanding. You always took and Matt would always give. You want him to be demanding for once. You need to know he craves you just as much as you do him. You want him to show you he'll stay even though you're ugly and mean. Even when you kick and scream and cry because you want yourself dead. 

You let Matt do the taking just for tonight. You need to know he wants you.

He holds you against his chest so close and you will both sleep peacefully. You pray to God you can have this. 

\--

You're about to separate, so far things are going as planned. In fact they're going _too_ well. There's a sinking feeling in your gut and you just know something is going to go horribly wrong. One of you will probably die here. You hope that it's you. God, you hope that it's you. He will push up his goggles and look you in the eyes as you're about to get out of the car. If he can read the dread on your face he doesn't mention it. Instead he will take the unscarred side of your face in his hand. 

He will tell you he loves you, just like he did the day you left. There is a sinking feeling in your chest, but not because of his words this time. It will be because you can tell he feels the same dread you do. The same fear. You will press a kiss to his lips hard and desperate. You pray that he understands, that he knows you feel the same. That he can sense it in everything you've done since your reunion. You still cannot bring yourself to say those three words. You hope he understands.

He always understands.

He will give you a smile despite his own anxieties, and reluctantly you will get out of the car. With your gun in hand this time you will pray that you'll both make it back. That you'll be able to love him.

\--

He's dead.

You saw him laying on the ground beside that red car of his through the TV in the van. You almost wrecked right there. You want to go back to how you were as kids. You want to yell and throw things and cry while screaming. You want him back to hold you together. You have no one to hold you together, and you're falling apart. This is the price you pay. You had forsaken God the moment you fell for him, and this is the outcome. Was it worth it? To have his blood on your hands in exchange for a few moments? Was it really okay if it ended with him dead? This is all your fault. If only you had a little more self control. If you had just laid there to die instead of calling him that night he would still be safe. Maybe then-

Your thought stops dead in it's track when you feel your heart constrict. Your chest tightens to the point it hurts and you can't seem to take a breath. _A heart attack_ you should have seen this coming. Though perhaps its better if you die here, then you won't have to live without him. Maybe God is merciful for your sins. You're alone, but now the two of you can be alone together.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this painful and sad look into Mello's life. All I do is make people miserable with my writing.


End file.
